A Day In The Life Of A Cosmo Columnist
by CelticMagic
Summary: Ever wonder how Cosmopolitan Magazine gets their guy advice? Take a behind-the-scene look of what happens when Tai is trusted to write his own column in the popular women's magazine. One-shot story.


**A Day In The Life of a Cosmo Columnist**

"After the success of last month's issue, Cosmo Magazine wants me to keep writing more sex advice," Tai said.

"But aren't you still a virgin?" Izzy raised an eyebrow.

"That doesn't matter! Besides, it's not like I'm taking the job seriously," Tai grinned.

"How did you get the job in the first place?" Joe asked.

"The editor-in-chief thought I was sexy," Tai winked.

"The real answer, please?" Izzy tapped his fingers against the table.

"That is the real answer. The editor-in-chief thought I was really handsome, so she assumed that I've bedded many chicks," Tai flashed a sinister smile.

"And that's how he has his own column in the magazine!" TK proudly said.

"Only I didn't use my real name...," Tai shrugged.

"It's not a big deal. A lot of people have pen names," Izzy said. "Besides, I don't think any girl will pay attention to who wrote the column."

"That's true. They just wanna get to the good stuff...which there's a lot of in here," Davis nodded as he read the magazine.

"Lemme see," TK sat right next to Davis.

"So you want us to come up with ideas for next month's issue?" Joe poked his pointer fingers together.

"I don't think we're exactly qualified to be doling out that kind of advice," Izzy crossed his arms.

"Neither am I, but the Cosmo girls love me!" Tai said.

"Why don't you go ask Matt? I'm pretty sure he has more experience than all of us combined," Joe suggested.

"That's not really saying much when Davis and Tai are here," Izzy snorted.

"Come on, you guys! Just think of it as us throwing a huge practical joke on girls and their boyfriends around the nation!" Tai said.

_*giggle giggle*_

"That doesn't sound good," Joe nervously turned around. Davis and TK were huddled together, laughing at the contents of the magazine.

"Hee hee," TK chuckled.

"Oh boy, this is gold!" Davis howled.

"You like it?" Tai smiled.

"This makes me so glad I'm single," TK giggled.

"Check this out, check this out!_ Remember Samantha's infamous naked sushi body scene in Sex and the City? Put your own creative spin on it, and replace the sushi rolls for pizza rolls. Your lover won't be able to resist eating you up!_" Davis burst out laughing.

"_Did You Know: It's a scientific fact that men prefer pizza rolls to sushi! He's probably not into you if he loves sushi better (translation: chances are he's gay),_" TK read.

"That is not a scientific fact!" Izzy yelled.

"Who cares? People will believe anything if you say it's a scientific fact," Tai said.

"No they won't," Izzy gruffly said.

"Oh yeah? It's scientifically proven that Joe has a lower level of testosterone than found in most females," Tai smirked.

"Oh my god! It has to be true! I need hormone shots ASAP!" Joe sprang up from his chair and hyperventilated.

"Stop it, Joe! You're fine," Izzy pulled Joe back down in his seat. "Besides, it's a scientific fact that TaI is an ass."

"That's true," Joe pulled out his inhaler.

"And it's scientifically proven that Izzy likes to ruin the fun," Tai retorted.

"That's definitely true," Joe calmly inhaled.

"Hey!" Izzy snapped.

"Oh my gosh! You have to read this one!" Davis yelled.

_"The best way to chop the morning wood is by using your teeth_," TK struggled not to laugh. "_Ryder from Kentucky says that he loves that tingly sensation he gets every time his girlfriend bites him_."

"I'm pretty sure that tingly feeling is stronger than what could be considered a sensation," Izzy flatly said.

"Tai! What if Ryder from Kentucky is real?! Then he's going to be in pain, or even worse...embarrassed!" Joe gasped.

"Chill! It's not there are any Ryders living in Kentucky," Tai scoffed.

"Here's a good one!" TK excitedly slapped Davis's arm.

"_Play a kinky version of Pictionary with your significant other, using only your who-hah, and his man pipe_," Davis burst out laughing.

"Oh no, I'm not feeling too...," Joe passed out.

"Cody isn't joking. Those fashion magazines are written by middle-school boys," Izzy huffed.

"But I wrote this," Tai said.

"Scratch that. Fashion magazines are written by those with a mentality of a middle-school boy," Izzy rubbed his forehead.

"Or this one!_ Show off your innocent and sexy side at the same time. Wear a kitty mascot suit and pose doggie-style in your lover's bedroom. What better way to get the best of both worlds? Go Thundercats!_" TK read out loud. "Crap, I lost the page!"

"Don't worry, I'll find it," Davis picked the magazine up and skimmed through the pages. "_My boyfriend is a furry_...no, _Cosmo-approved nipple jewelry._..check that out later when I'm alone,_ 10 ways to pass your oral_-oh, here it is!" Davis went back to Tai's article. "_In the mood for a margarita? Swish some liquid margarita mix into your mouth, insert penis and swallow. Slowly take out, cover shaft in salt and cool things down by pressing an ice cube down on it._"

"Now that one was kinda funny," Izzy let out a chuckle.

"Yeah, it's funny until it happens to you!"

"Matt?!" everyone yelled at the same time. Davis and TK quickly tossed the magazine in the air and Joe sprung back to life.

"I know you had something to do with this!" Matt pointed at Tai.

"Me? Something to do with what?" Tai pretended to play dumb.

"This!" Matt picked up the magazine. "Thanks to you, she thinks I like all of these things!"

"Well, the article is called 101 Guy-Approved Sex Tips," Izzy said.

"By Matt Ishida!" Matt pointed at the tiny print underneath the title.

"..." everyone stared at Tai.

"What? I told you guys that I used a pen name," Tai said.

"Last night was incredulously long, since she wanted to do. All. 101. Moves. On. That. List! The worst part about all of that was she though I was being satisfied when I was really being tortured! I've dealt with getting dry humped by a girl in a falcon costume, getting my nipples pinched with mouse traps, having cucumbers shoved up my...well you get the point! And Joe, I think you need to look at this burn I got on my...," Matt fiddled with the buckle on his belt.

"Sorry, but I'm going to be a vet, not a human doctor?" Joe shielded his eyes from Matt.

"The only good thing about last night was the pizza rolls, but that didn't last long because she ate most of them before I had a chance to," Matt fastened his belt back on.

"Wow, for all those years we've known her, I could never picture her eating pizza rolls," Izzy said.

"She doesn't really eat junk food," TK noted.

"Clever article, huh? You must be proud of yourself for writing it. You've got her to do things she's never done before," Tai snickered.

"I'm gonna kill you!" Matt lunged in toward Tai and knocked him down on the floor.

"Let's get out of here...," TK quietly tiptoed backwards.

"Good idea. We'll give those two some quality time," Izzy smirked.

"I see Matt's a really huge fan of S&M. Just look at the way he's whacking Tai with that magazine," Davis commented.

"I think I saw a tooth come out...," Joe trembled.


End file.
